It is so easy to feel ad though you are such in your circumstances. Stuck with your family. Stuck in your town. Stuck in your emotions. I've definitively felt those emotions. I've definitely felt as though there was no conceivable way to become free.
There are days, though, that I am able to escape those feelings. Even for a short while. My secret? I tell myself that it is time to KICK ASS! Thinking of the world with these words in mind full the body with such invigoration and drive that I can do anything.
Try it~
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Sunday, November 27, 2016
how did i end up here?
I grew up in the Mormon religion. As a member, one of the things that they tend to push from a young age is to record your days. Keep a journal. Write things down. And so, I had tried. I tried so damn often. I always had one major thing standing in my way though... I had nosy little sisters who would always go through my things and read them. The pull of having a personal journal is kind of lost when it is no longer private.
And so, as a result of living in that sort of journal repellent yet enforcing environment, my journals from the past jump around in the dates in large numbers. Without little sisters invading that privacy anymore, I am now able to share my writing in that format (when I actually remember and drag myself to do so). But one of the things that tends to bring a smile to my face is to read back through them.
To be able to enter back into the mind of a child is so eyeopening. Not only just any child, by myself! The early years are full of such a single-minded clarity. I seemed to know what I wanted and wrote of the events of whichever date with such a matter-of-fact tone. "We did this. We did that. It was great."
I was able to sense the darkness entering as I entered out of that childhood and entered being a teenager and a preteen. So much darkness. Reading the words and the emotions that were pulled into the paper could bring tears and memories to the front of my brain. There were times where I felt so lonely. Even at the moments when I knew that I was surrounded by those I loved, I felt it in my soul. (I actually have a theory about that here).
One of the deepest that is there is a section of writing I did when I was fourteen that took up thirteen full pages. That was one of my deepest depressions. I recall sitting in my closet to write those words, tears falling down my face as my sisters slept in the room on the other side of the door.
I was able to change the situation that I was in about a year later, which did a lot to pull me out of the slump that I was in during my early high school days. It was one of the best decisions that I have made, and I have grown so much since that decision was made.
Especially in the last while, I have found myself wondering how it is that I have been able to get to the place in my life that I am now; I was able to graduate high school (and walk at graduation). I started an online business. I created a Youtube channel and recently created a blog (which is where I am posting this. Hi.). I have been able to decide what it is that I am wanting more so in my life and figure out the best way for me to get there.
I have also allowed myself to become ambitious. Ambition is an extremely important quality for one to have. My little sister, for example, is incredibly ambition. She is my role model in that sense.
I have allowed myself to think of what is best for me, instead of just what others around me may want. Or at least what I think those around me may want.
I have learned that my health is important and that it is something to be cherished. My current priorities in life are my mental health, my schoolwork, and my housework. While in the past, this may have seemed like three topics that are difficult to balance, I have been able to find one that works for me (online classes do a lot to make that run smoother. I start my daily classes around seven in the morning. Often in pjs. Always in slippers :3 ).
With all the changes that have occurred in my life, the question at the top continues to come to the forefront of my mind. Sometimes all that you need to to get the words out and share with all who might be listening.
So how did I end up here?
I fought my way through trials and anguish to create my own life the way that I need it to be to be the best of me that I can be.
And so, my precious universes, how did you end up where you are~?
And so, as a result of living in that sort of journal repellent yet enforcing environment, my journals from the past jump around in the dates in large numbers. Without little sisters invading that privacy anymore, I am now able to share my writing in that format (when I actually remember and drag myself to do so). But one of the things that tends to bring a smile to my face is to read back through them.
To be able to enter back into the mind of a child is so eyeopening. Not only just any child, by myself! The early years are full of such a single-minded clarity. I seemed to know what I wanted and wrote of the events of whichever date with such a matter-of-fact tone. "We did this. We did that. It was great."
I was able to sense the darkness entering as I entered out of that childhood and entered being a teenager and a preteen. So much darkness. Reading the words and the emotions that were pulled into the paper could bring tears and memories to the front of my brain. There were times where I felt so lonely. Even at the moments when I knew that I was surrounded by those I loved, I felt it in my soul. (I actually have a theory about that here).
One of the deepest that is there is a section of writing I did when I was fourteen that took up thirteen full pages. That was one of my deepest depressions. I recall sitting in my closet to write those words, tears falling down my face as my sisters slept in the room on the other side of the door.
I was able to change the situation that I was in about a year later, which did a lot to pull me out of the slump that I was in during my early high school days. It was one of the best decisions that I have made, and I have grown so much since that decision was made.
Especially in the last while, I have found myself wondering how it is that I have been able to get to the place in my life that I am now; I was able to graduate high school (and walk at graduation). I started an online business. I created a Youtube channel and recently created a blog (which is where I am posting this. Hi.). I have been able to decide what it is that I am wanting more so in my life and figure out the best way for me to get there.
I have also allowed myself to become ambitious. Ambition is an extremely important quality for one to have. My little sister, for example, is incredibly ambition. She is my role model in that sense.
I have allowed myself to think of what is best for me, instead of just what others around me may want. Or at least what I think those around me may want.
I have learned that my health is important and that it is something to be cherished. My current priorities in life are my mental health, my schoolwork, and my housework. While in the past, this may have seemed like three topics that are difficult to balance, I have been able to find one that works for me (online classes do a lot to make that run smoother. I start my daily classes around seven in the morning. Often in pjs. Always in slippers :3 ).
With all the changes that have occurred in my life, the question at the top continues to come to the forefront of my mind. Sometimes all that you need to to get the words out and share with all who might be listening.
So how did I end up here?
I fought my way through trials and anguish to create my own life the way that I need it to be to be the best of me that I can be.
And so, my precious universes, how did you end up where you are~?
Rebellion
Rebellion. I hadn't realized the intricacies of this concept until only recently. The definition states that it is "showing a desire to resist authority, control, or convention". I have come to realize just how dependent rebellion is on its surroundings.
The reason that I have even started thinking about this has to do with a lot of my personal choices being put to test. Basically, my mother does not seem to approve.
She doesn't approve if my way of doing my makeup. I've taken to doing cast eye eyeliner. I love the impact it has on the shape.
She doesn't approve of my hair, which I only found out today. I can't handle long hair. It makes my face feel blocky and much to warm. In fact, I am very happy with my current style. I have had short hair for years now, and I truly feel as though I have been able to fine tune it to something wonderful. To something that empowers me.
She doesn't approve of my views on religion. In fact, we had a large fight about this a while ago. She makes my sister and I go with her to church, even though she promised she wouldn't.
Family places so many expectations on us, many of them unrealistic and harmful. And if anyone doesn't fit precisely into that box that they try to set around them, they are viewed as rebellious. Angry. Disrespectful.
But I am not rebellious. I just am wishing to be myself and pave my own path. I am not meant to fit in a box. I am meant to shape myself as I am meant to be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)